Betas in!

And good news -- looks like Lil G is growing!

My first test was done on Friday, at 17 dpo, and came back at a very good 827. My second, taken Tuesday (21 dpo) should have been at least 3000 or so to be on target, and we got a 5359! Looks like Lil G is already an overachiever like its momma. :)

I know there many more milestones to reach, but I feel much more calm hearing those numbers. It even feels realer. When the nurse called, I got my first real "jolt" of excitement. I have been so level headed about it so far, probably to protect myself. Each of these little victories is allowing me to get more invested and more optimistic. And more excited!

Although they hadn't mentioned it earlier, the nurse also suggested I get an ultrasound to make sure the little one's looking good and get a clearer dating. I cannot protest! I call tomorrow to see when they can get me in. I've warned the hubs that we will be seeing little more than a blinking blob, but we are both anxiously looking forward to it!

4 weeks, 4 days

It may be science and my body, and may just be my crazy mind, but in the one week I have known I have been pregnant, I have become a pregnant woman. I cannot stay awake past 9 pm. I have horrible headaches and weird tummy twinges. I have gas my little brother would be jealous of. It's kinda amazing.

I also had spotting. Light, brown, and it's stopped, but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. Being me, I decided to hope for the best and let it go. Then I mentioned it to DH, who was in Orlando this week for work, and got a ridiculous tongue lashing (I've always gotten a kick out of that phrase) for being proud and not relaying on doctors when that's what they are there for. In the end I had to admit he was right, and I know that allowing myself to be vulnerable and leaning on medical help is going to be one of my biggest challenges with this pregnancy.

So, I did call, and I had blood work taken Friday to check my HcG levels. We should hear just how well Lil G is progressing on Monday or Tuesday.

This week also brought a lovely surprise from Sarah, known on GP as sauma790 -- a little Happy BFP gift of onsies and baby socks. Now all sorts of baby clothes make me weak in the knees, but baby socks...be still my heart. Sarah, thank you so, so much! I cannot wait until your BFP so I can return the favor!

My favorite photo ever

Isn't it just perfect!?

At seeing this little beauty, DH quickly crossed over from cautiously excited to full blown I'm-Gonna-Be-A-Daddy syndrome, complete with giving a toast to our child "who will one day rid the world of cancer" and not allowing me to do much more than sit and stand, and then only in certain positions. It's adorable....but he's gotta calm down a bit if he's going to last the next 8 months!

Obviously, we are beyond thrilled. I am calling to make my first doctor's appointment today. Eek!

A special thanks to all of you who have emailed and posted your congrats and well wishes. I owe you all my sanity over the last months and can never thank you enough.

13 DPO, BFP

I think!

Lesson learned: buy digitals!

As you can see, it only took 24 hours for me to go against the hub's wishes and test again. I just...I don't want to say I "knew," but I felt off, that's for sure. And as you all know, peeing on things is pure fun.

So this morning when I awoke at 4:30 am, I tip toed to the hall bath and did what I had to do. And saw a line. A line I was sure I saw.

I tried to sneak back into bed, but of course he was sitting up waiting for me. So I told him I cheated and that I was pretty sure we were pregnant. The look on his face and the tone of his voice when he said "Really!?" was priceless.

He took a look and agreed there was a line. However, we are both skeptics and don't feel totally comfortable giving in to it until we go get those silly digitals and see the unmistabable word "Pregnant."

I'm beyond anxious. I am already so worried and so thrilled. But thankfully, I'm also a little in shock or something -- it obviously hasn't really sunk in yet. I doubt it will for awhile.

12 DPO, BFN

I think.

It's funny, because last night as we stood in the Walgreen's, DH wanted to get a pack of digitals, mainly because they were so "cool." I disagreed, saying it would be a waste of cash, and that the pink line versions were fine.

So this morning when my temp was still quite high and I went to POAS, I was pretty confident. And then I stood in the bathroom for about three solid minutes, holding the stick up to the window, the overhead light, and back again. There was something there. Was it like the lightest line ever, or the placeholder where the line would have filled in if positive? Was my eyesight just too good? Ha.

I went back to bed and of course was questioned by a sleepy DH. I quickly explained that I couldn't tell, and he responded that then I was clearly not pg, because the pink line would have been obvious. Shows you how many sticks he's peed on. When I tried to explain how the line darkness is relative to the amount of hormone, he asked to see the stick. I obliged, but I'm not sure why. What was a half-asleep, grumpy man going to see after just turning the lights on in the bedroom? He glanced at it, covered his eyes with his hand, and declared it negative.

So we are calling it negative. Not because of the hub's oh so scientific analysis, but the fact that we cannot call it a positive. DH has since said he doesn't want me to take the other test in the pack for another month. Silly, strange boy.

The positive in this - even if it really is negative, and AF is around the bend, it looks like my LP has lengthened by at least a day thanks to the few months of B6. So yea!

Face lift!

Slow day at work + procrastination of actually important things = new blog layout! Enjoy!

Oh, and I'm 9 DPO. And I'm not anticipating AF this weekend. Nor a BFP. I'm ambivalent. OK, I lied. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying.

Sigh.

It's my birthday

and I'll be in a good mood if I want to.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the wise words I have been reading from some amazing women. Maybe I hit 27 and was instantly hit with wisdom. But somehow, and I'm not going to question the source, I'm a lot more at peace with the whole TTC process. I'm not more optimistic, I'm not more confident, but I'm more accepting of the uphill battle that I'm currently fighting.

I've gone back to GP, realizing that closing myself off hasn't done anything but make me brood alone. I'm looking forward to 2009, and trying to not think of it in terms of if or if not I'll be pregnant. Until that day comes, I still need to live my life.

I wish I had some eloquent song lyrics, or poem stanza, or prayer that expressed the randomness in my head, but alas, you'll just have to trust me. :)