First official appointment

Quite possibly the quickest doctor's appointment of my life. It was a hot 10 minutes: here's the packet, here's the paperwork, here's the scans you can do, any questions? DH looked bewildered.

I think the biggest kick I got out of it was the nurse coming in and going on about congratulating us and how exciting everything is. Since we haven't told anyone yet, it was nice to finally hear it. Made it a smidge more real.

Christmas was great, and we got through with few hiccups. We walked into Christmas Eve dinner to an already tipsy cousin placing bets on whether we were pregnant or not -- fabulous. Thankfully, no one but her thought we might be and when I fake drank some red wine at dinner, even my MIL moved on from it. Christmas day at my parents' house I just drank water, and while I think my mom noted it, she didn't say anything. I fake drank some beers DH got from my brother to try and play it off. Who knew I could be such a great fake drinker?

NYE is just me and the hubs, so no worries there. And on Friday we have our U/S and should be able to see the little bugger and a heartbeat, so it's only a matter of time before we get to finally spill!

In other news, I'm in the middle of M/S hell and not enjoying it all that much. :) It's def a morning thing for me...I'm horrible all morning and then 11 am hits and I'm starving beyond belief. Dinner I'm usually just not hungry, but not as sick as the mornings. It's a pain, but in the grand scheme it's honestly not that bad. And, of course, totally worth it.

Third beta in

And I forgot to wrote the number down (I had to run into the hall at work and did so without a pen, sue me), but I know it was good. 11 thousand and something. Right on target, and again, I am much releaved.

The initial plan was to have a fourth beta done, but the nurse didn't mention sending me a script for it when she called, and I didn't remind her. Seriously, the numbers are great to hear, but I realize that another isn't going to to do anthing but make me anxious again. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. No amount of tests are going to prevent anything. I need to start going on day by day, week by week, simply confident that all will be fine. Plus, the women at the lab were starting to recognize me.

The second U/S is still on, though, but not until next week now, 1/2. I'm totally fine with this, and we'll be able to see so much more by then. There will be a baby blob, and hopefully even a visable heartbeat. Oh, there I go getting all anxious again.

We also have an appointment on 12/29 at the doctor's office to do the medical history and such. It was supposed to be my first baby-related anything, so it's lost its luster a bit, but I'm sure I'll still get a kick out of it.

In the mean time, we are celebrating Christmas with family and just having a good time. Cheers to you all -- I wish you a fabulous holiday and a wonderful New Year full of all the health and happiness you can handle.

U/S Numero Uno

We saw....something.

It was just a little sack with a little sack within it. Not much to look at, but visual proof that yes, I am pregnant. I was so scared the tech was going to tell me there wasn't anything there, but tiny as that little blob was, it was our baby!

My doc, who has not seen me since my BFP, had told the tech that I was 6 weeks, 6 days since that's what they calculated from my LMP. Silly people. I had told everyone I spoke to I was sure I was at least a week behind that, but no one seem to listen to the girl without the medical degree. So, when the tech started the pelvic U/S, she was a little alarmed to see so little. The transvag delivered what we were looking for, but it's def a 5 weeker and not a 6. In fact, the machine measured the size at 5 weeks, 3 days - just one day off from my own calculations. Take that, people in scrubs.

In the end, though, since there wasn't enough of a fetal pole for the tech to confirm what the doc was requesting, they want me to do it all over in a week. EVERYTHING. The two blood tests and another U/S. Overkill? I think so. I have been spending more time in hospitals and doc offices than at work! But there's nothing wrong with having too much information, I guess, or contnually getting confirmation that Lil G is in there and growing. So more blood today, more blood on Monday, and another U/S next Friday. Oh, and there's Christmas in there somewhere, too. Whew.

Betas in!

And good news -- looks like Lil G is growing!

My first test was done on Friday, at 17 dpo, and came back at a very good 827. My second, taken Tuesday (21 dpo) should have been at least 3000 or so to be on target, and we got a 5359! Looks like Lil G is already an overachiever like its momma. :)

I know there many more milestones to reach, but I feel much more calm hearing those numbers. It even feels realer. When the nurse called, I got my first real "jolt" of excitement. I have been so level headed about it so far, probably to protect myself. Each of these little victories is allowing me to get more invested and more optimistic. And more excited!

Although they hadn't mentioned it earlier, the nurse also suggested I get an ultrasound to make sure the little one's looking good and get a clearer dating. I cannot protest! I call tomorrow to see when they can get me in. I've warned the hubs that we will be seeing little more than a blinking blob, but we are both anxiously looking forward to it!

4 weeks, 4 days

It may be science and my body, and may just be my crazy mind, but in the one week I have known I have been pregnant, I have become a pregnant woman. I cannot stay awake past 9 pm. I have horrible headaches and weird tummy twinges. I have gas my little brother would be jealous of. It's kinda amazing.

I also had spotting. Light, brown, and it's stopped, but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. Being me, I decided to hope for the best and let it go. Then I mentioned it to DH, who was in Orlando this week for work, and got a ridiculous tongue lashing (I've always gotten a kick out of that phrase) for being proud and not relaying on doctors when that's what they are there for. In the end I had to admit he was right, and I know that allowing myself to be vulnerable and leaning on medical help is going to be one of my biggest challenges with this pregnancy.

So, I did call, and I had blood work taken Friday to check my HcG levels. We should hear just how well Lil G is progressing on Monday or Tuesday.

This week also brought a lovely surprise from Sarah, known on GP as sauma790 -- a little Happy BFP gift of onsies and baby socks. Now all sorts of baby clothes make me weak in the knees, but baby socks...be still my heart. Sarah, thank you so, so much! I cannot wait until your BFP so I can return the favor!

My favorite photo ever

Isn't it just perfect!?

At seeing this little beauty, DH quickly crossed over from cautiously excited to full blown I'm-Gonna-Be-A-Daddy syndrome, complete with giving a toast to our child "who will one day rid the world of cancer" and not allowing me to do much more than sit and stand, and then only in certain positions. It's adorable....but he's gotta calm down a bit if he's going to last the next 8 months!

Obviously, we are beyond thrilled. I am calling to make my first doctor's appointment today. Eek!

A special thanks to all of you who have emailed and posted your congrats and well wishes. I owe you all my sanity over the last months and can never thank you enough.

13 DPO, BFP

I think!

Lesson learned: buy digitals!

As you can see, it only took 24 hours for me to go against the hub's wishes and test again. I just...I don't want to say I "knew," but I felt off, that's for sure. And as you all know, peeing on things is pure fun.

So this morning when I awoke at 4:30 am, I tip toed to the hall bath and did what I had to do. And saw a line. A line I was sure I saw.

I tried to sneak back into bed, but of course he was sitting up waiting for me. So I told him I cheated and that I was pretty sure we were pregnant. The look on his face and the tone of his voice when he said "Really!?" was priceless.

He took a look and agreed there was a line. However, we are both skeptics and don't feel totally comfortable giving in to it until we go get those silly digitals and see the unmistabable word "Pregnant."

I'm beyond anxious. I am already so worried and so thrilled. But thankfully, I'm also a little in shock or something -- it obviously hasn't really sunk in yet. I doubt it will for awhile.

12 DPO, BFN

I think.

It's funny, because last night as we stood in the Walgreen's, DH wanted to get a pack of digitals, mainly because they were so "cool." I disagreed, saying it would be a waste of cash, and that the pink line versions were fine.

So this morning when my temp was still quite high and I went to POAS, I was pretty confident. And then I stood in the bathroom for about three solid minutes, holding the stick up to the window, the overhead light, and back again. There was something there. Was it like the lightest line ever, or the placeholder where the line would have filled in if positive? Was my eyesight just too good? Ha.

I went back to bed and of course was questioned by a sleepy DH. I quickly explained that I couldn't tell, and he responded that then I was clearly not pg, because the pink line would have been obvious. Shows you how many sticks he's peed on. When I tried to explain how the line darkness is relative to the amount of hormone, he asked to see the stick. I obliged, but I'm not sure why. What was a half-asleep, grumpy man going to see after just turning the lights on in the bedroom? He glanced at it, covered his eyes with his hand, and declared it negative.

So we are calling it negative. Not because of the hub's oh so scientific analysis, but the fact that we cannot call it a positive. DH has since said he doesn't want me to take the other test in the pack for another month. Silly, strange boy.

The positive in this - even if it really is negative, and AF is around the bend, it looks like my LP has lengthened by at least a day thanks to the few months of B6. So yea!

Face lift!

Slow day at work + procrastination of actually important things = new blog layout! Enjoy!

Oh, and I'm 9 DPO. And I'm not anticipating AF this weekend. Nor a BFP. I'm ambivalent. OK, I lied. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying.

Sigh.

It's my birthday

and I'll be in a good mood if I want to.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the wise words I have been reading from some amazing women. Maybe I hit 27 and was instantly hit with wisdom. But somehow, and I'm not going to question the source, I'm a lot more at peace with the whole TTC process. I'm not more optimistic, I'm not more confident, but I'm more accepting of the uphill battle that I'm currently fighting.

I've gone back to GP, realizing that closing myself off hasn't done anything but make me brood alone. I'm looking forward to 2009, and trying to not think of it in terms of if or if not I'll be pregnant. Until that day comes, I still need to live my life.

I wish I had some eloquent song lyrics, or poem stanza, or prayer that expressed the randomness in my head, but alas, you'll just have to trust me. :)