Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

I first would like to give thanks for three days off after Thanksgiving. I began cooking on Thursday at 9 am and the last guests left at 9 pm. It was a blast, but I needed all the time to slowly recover (and do some heavy duty cleaning).

Dinner went off without a hitch, and everything turned out pretty darn good. Whew.

Above all, though, it was great to get to welcome our families into our home. It was the first time both my fam and DH's fam had seen each other since the wedding 1.5 years ago, and everyone got along so well. I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, loving parents, hilarious brothers, great in-laws, and a nice home to welcome them all into.

My parents, the pup, my bro, me, Nana, the hubs, and the other bro.

The "damn good" turkey.

The aftermath ... well, part of it.

In other news, if you direct your attention to my ticker, you'll see that according to FF, I've O'ed! Yet another thing to be thankful for. My chart is a disaster area between the one BBT breaking and the new one seeming to show temps slightly lower, but it's looking like I can trust the crosshairs. Whew.

I don't know what kind of hopes I have for this cycle, though. I partially simply don't want to get my hopes up, but the cysts have me a little worried. I know it's totally possible to still conceive with them, but I have read they can prohibit a "normal" ovulation. Then again, when have I ever been normal when it comes to TTC?

Eh, I'm just chilling and going with it this time. Even if my negativity is unfounded, at least it will allow me a 2ww without the "normal" paranoia and phantom symptoms. Well worth it.

Boooo

So I got a new BBT. While we were able to confirm that my old one was acting quirky, I unfortunetly didn't get all the good news I was hoping for. Temp this morning was a chilly 97.1. No O.

It's day 29. I've only O'ed later than this once. On day frickin 40.

I'm fearing anov. I'm pissed off. I'm a little scared of how pissed off I am. These be dark times.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

CHRISTMAS!

Our neighbors already have their lights up. Little early, I think, but I can't deny that I'm getting the itch as well. I went through all our boxes in the basement this weekend to figure out the holiday decor gameplan, and we purchased a few new items, too. Next weekend we will be decking the house in gold, red, and silver, and then refueling with leftover turkey sandwiches. I cannot wait!

We do, of course, need to get through Thanksgiving first. It's at our place this year and I'm a combo of nervous and thrilled. I have a detailed play-by-play schedule for cooking and I think I have just enough space in the oven for everything.

To add to the holiday fever, my birthday is next week! DH and I will be going to dinner at this raved about Italian place I have been dying to go to, and Mom is taking me for a spa day. This really is the most wonderful time of the year.

You know what would make it even more wonderfuler? (And yes, that's a word.) A BFP. Or a confirmed O. Or something. I'm still temping with the broken BBT because all three stores I went to this weekend didn't have any in stock. Apparently the world is on a mission to get KU before me. I think I'll try the Walgreen's by the train station after work today. Wait - Lindsay said theirs sucks. Anyone know if CVS's is ok?

I just need to get one accurate morning temp. I have a inkling that I may have O'ed, but without a good temp, I am really clueless. My possible O would lead me to test this Saturday. I don't dare do it without more info. However, even with a new thermometer I won't know what my temps for the past week should have been. I'm going to have to guess. Which leads me to a much greater chance of a BFN. Ugh.

I've been tagged!

Thanks for giving me something to do, Lindsay!

Describe each in one word:

Where is your cell phone? Purse
Where is your significant other? Work
Hair color? Dark blonde
Your mother? Caring
Your father? Strong
Your favorite thing? Food
Your dream last night? Unmemorable
Your dream/goal? Freedom
The room you’re in? Cube
Your hobby? Writing
Your fear? Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Bucolic
Where were you last night? Home
What you’re not? Lazy
One of your wish-list items? Clothes
Where you grew up? Suburbia
The last thing you did? Edited
What are you wearing? Jeans
Your TV? Comforting
Your pet? Snuggles
Your computer? Slow
Your mood? Content
Missing someone? Always
Favorite store? Banana
Our summer? Short
Love someone? Yup
Your favorite color? Blue
When is the last time you laughed? Now
Last time you cried? Recently

I'll pass the fun to the three latest co-bloggers. Shannon, Alma, and Bee - go!

F'in BBT is a POS

I think it's broken.

The last few days my temps have been doing an impression of a Ricther scale, and now I think it's all that little beeping stick of plastic's fault, not my body's.

The other day I woke up after two days of high temps to 97.3. I was frustrated and disappointed, and didn't want to believe it. So I stuck it right back in my mouth. 97.8. That's a mighty large jump for 10 seconds. But I dutifully charted 97.3. This morning, another 97.3. I tried again, 97.3. 15 minutes later I tried yet again, 97.9. Of course this time I had slept a little more and time had gone by, so it could have totally been the reason. To test my theory, I temped one more time after letting the dog out and eating breakfast. 96.0. Ummmm, wha? I don't think I can trust a thing that screen says any longer.

So I'm going to commit a cardinal charting sin and change thermometers mid cycle. It may screw up my chart, but it appears so will sticking with this one. I mean, I may have O'ed already. I could be like 5 DPO. Who the hell knows.

GBCGP?

No, not really. But I am kinda bowing out for awhile. I've decided my sanity is worth something.

GP was a God-send when I first ventured into TTC World and I would be a bumbling idiot without the advice and information the board provided. I am forever in the debt of so many smart, patient women.

After a few months, though, GP became a crutch. A place to go when work was pissing me off, or when I wanted to go all crazy bitch on some arrogant newbie. It was no longer a help, but a distraction.

And now, it's making me feel like a bad person. I truly like and admire many of the women I have met on there (and since those I'm referring to are probably the only ones reading this, go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back), and I hate the pangs of jealousy that sadly occur when there's another BFP post. I am happy for them through and through. But there's of course that voice in the back of my head asking "Why not me?"

I have seen so many girls waltz in and out, their apparently easy-to-come-by BFPs in hand, and with each one I realize I'm toturing myself a little. When you are single you don't hang out at fancy restaurants and watch couples get engaged. When you are on a budget, you don't go to Neimen Marcus and rub your cheek against the $500 cashimere. Why, then, do I daily go and let myself become disheartened by strangers flaunting their pregnancies?

I will be around. When I have a legit question I know it's a great place to turn (after Google, of course). And I can always reach out to my new friends in good and bad. But GP itself has served it's real purpose for me and while I'm in trying mode, I think I'm better left to myself. This is going to take time. Might as well try to dull the pain where I can.

I puffy heart information

So yesterday marked a week of the mystery pain, and I was over it. My first trip was to WebMD.com, where the Symptom Checker sent me into a panic suggesting I had either a hernia or an aeortic aneurysm. Kids, this is why we shouldn't self-diagnosis.

I quickly smarted up and called my OB/GYN office and chatted with a nurse. She suggested a cyst as an answer -- a much more plausable answer -- and suggested I come in for a quick exam.

So this morning I went over, and was reminded why I chose this practice. I love these people. I have yet to meet a doctor or NP there that I didn't instantly warm up to. They are open, and honsest, and not afraid of a patient who has educated herself. In fact, they want to help me learn even more.

So basically it turns out I do have follicular cysts, which are part of the minor case of PCOS I have and they diagnosed last visit. The pressure and pain was coming from an overload left ovary. She's not worried by them, though. She says that when I ovulate most of them will burst, and I'll have some sharp pain, but then the fluid just gets absorbed or something and it's fine. Kinda weird, but ok.

Instead of just scooting me out, though, she then went over my charts with me, all the bloodwork we have done in the past, the ultraslound results (I now know the exact dimensions of my uterus. Do you?), etc. And she was totally honest with me...optimistic and honest. My situation is not perfect, but it's not that bad. Sure I knew this in the back of my head, but sometimes you need a calm, rational, voice of experience to remind you.

So onward we forge.

WTF?

Seriously. WTF? Just click on the chart. Do it. And tell me WTF is going on!

Temp dips I can take, but this? Um, whaaaa?

And today also marks day 7 of what I had been calling O pain. I have since recalled that title. We shall now refer to it as "that stubborn, stupid pain in my lower left pelvic area that is like someone poking you for hours on end and is annoying enough to give you trouble falling asleep but not sharp enough to allow your worry wart DH to take you to the ER." Or WTF pain for short.

I'm calling the doc tomorrow. This is bullshit.

Another day...

another flat temp. Seriously?

I was so sure I was going to O yesterday or the day prior. Steady headaches, steady O pains...why is that translating into only steady temps?

I know it could be today. Or tomorrow. Or a day in the early 20s like many other cycles. Or a random day in the 40s. Or never. But I really thought I was starting to figure it out. I had been searching for some sort of signal that I could take advantage of, and now it seems that I may have been off base.

For some reason I feel especially upset about this because I got DH involved. Before, I was in charge of the chart and the timing and because I didn't want to put undue pressure on him or make it seem like I only wanted him for his baby-making ability, I wouldn't really say anything once I knew I had O'ed. And I never warned him pre-O because I never knew when it was coming! But this cycle we both thought we were clued in and made a solid attempt. Not only was it off, it seems, but I hated how it changed sex. Even though we were joking about it, it was obvious that on those occasions that we were doing it for a baby and not for love. Something was lost. I really don't want to have to put him in that place again this cycle, let alone the others potentially down the line.

You never know...I could be O'ing right now and my temp tomorrow could be through the roof. But I've officially crossed the line from optimism to pessimism. Stupid, fugly line.

Holy O pain, Batman

Seriously? I'm off BCP for a year and now, out of the blue, I suddenly have O pain?

And not just a little twinge. This is steady, sturdy, sit up and pay attention pain. Totally worth it but ouchie.

Well, you know what I'll be doing tonight. ;)

CD 13, OPK Negative

This is not a fact that should surprise me. I don't have any business peeing on sticks this early, anyway. But the Vitex thing got my hopes up that I might have a "normal" O date this cycle, and I let my giddiness get away with me.

The line was faint. Like pitifully faint. Almost as pathetic as the girl anxiously holding the stick.

I'd like to publicly state that I will not take another OPK test until the early 20s, when experience shows I have a better shot. I'd like to do that. But I won't. Because I know Monday or Tuesday I'll have lost this new-found resolve and will be sneaking tests into the bathroom at work. Please pray for my weak, baby-needy soul. ;)

Bustin' out of the closet

I've been duped! My friends knew that half priced martinis would make me spill! How could they?

OK, maybe not. Maybe I just was sick of not talking. Maybe six months of thinking and wishing and hoping and praying can be hard to keep shut inside. Maybe two sips of a gimlet shouldn't be considered minipulation.

So what happened? Yesterday evening two of my girlfriends met me for some post-work drinks. As we typically do, we started our outing by going around the table and updating the gang on our life's dramas of work, men, etc. I began. And without any prompting, I was suddenly spilling. Everything. From TTC to bloodword to the finer details of a PCOS diagnosis. Poor gals didn't know what hit 'em.

I obviously hadn't been planning on telling anyone. A few friends knew we were thinking of starting a family sooner than later, but nothing more. I had leaked minute details about the testing and problems we were running into to two people, only because both of them had been there and were able to offer insight. This waterfall of information was so not on the schedule.

I'm ridiculously releaved, though. They couldn't have been more supportive. But I certianly don't plan on making this a staple happy hour conversation. Heck, I hope I won't have many more happy hours in my future. But oh, how I will miss those gimlets...

Baby bumps and babble

So one of my dear coworkers, who I consider a friend and love to death, is about 8 months pregnant with #3. The little one was a surprise; her others are about 10 and 9. After she got over the shock she was thrilled, and in turn, everyone at work was as well.

It was about the time she announced her pregnancy that DH and I decided when we would begin trying. CW and I had discussed this (she had been hoping we would start for months) and even though it caught me off guard, I wasn't upset at all by her announcement. How could I be? I love her, I love babies -- it was a win/win.

Months have since gone by, and she's as supportive as ever with my road to joining her. We had joked in the beginning that our boss would be thrilled to have two KUed employees, but with her due date just around the bend, that scenario is a no-go. Each time she stops by to chat, be it about work or TTC, it gets a little harder to look at her growing belly. I wish I was there, too. I wish she wasn't asking me about blood work and OPKs but about morning sickness and sonograms.

I'm not jealous. Even though it may sound like it, I'm not. I'm so happy for her and so excited to meet the little one, but yea, it's hard. Babies and bellies and all of it is hard.

Another friend had their baby boy last week. Yet another friend is also due in about a month. Ahhhh, mixed emotions. Lovely.

The Vitex Factor

After a few months of random cycles followed by relentless frustration, I did what any educated, modern girl would do and headed to the Internet in search of answers. It was among the millions of hits Google so graciously provided me with that I first learned about Vitex, an herb commonly used by women for PMS, cycle irregularity, and other female-type issues. The gals of GP backed up the claims that it could push up my O date (or help it ever occur), and while the prospect of ordering strange pills online did scare the crap out of me for a few days, I did it.

I have now been taking Vitex for about a month and a half and wasn't sure if I was getting any benefit. Last cycle I O'ed around CD23, which while the earliest ever recorded, wasn't enough for me to start breaking out the cone hats and confetti. However, I was playing with the charts the other day and was reminded of the short temp spike I had around CD16. After two highs it plummeted, and I assumed it was my body's typical "gear up and don't go" pattern, which it tends to show.

Upon further thinking, I have a slight hope that it wasn't just the pattern, but that I was going to O. Stress is the most common cause of delayed O, and that weekend was chock full of it. On top of being out of town, at my cousin's wedding, and in mucho traffic, my father collapsed during the ceremony. He's fine, but that day I was in uber panic mode. The most textbook cycle would have been thrown to the lions.

The point of this rambeling? Vitex might really be doing a fabulous job. Next Monday or so would be CD16 for this cycle, and I'm anxiously waiting to see how it goes. Cross your fingers for me!