First official appointment

Quite possibly the quickest doctor's appointment of my life. It was a hot 10 minutes: here's the packet, here's the paperwork, here's the scans you can do, any questions? DH looked bewildered.

I think the biggest kick I got out of it was the nurse coming in and going on about congratulating us and how exciting everything is. Since we haven't told anyone yet, it was nice to finally hear it. Made it a smidge more real.

Christmas was great, and we got through with few hiccups. We walked into Christmas Eve dinner to an already tipsy cousin placing bets on whether we were pregnant or not -- fabulous. Thankfully, no one but her thought we might be and when I fake drank some red wine at dinner, even my MIL moved on from it. Christmas day at my parents' house I just drank water, and while I think my mom noted it, she didn't say anything. I fake drank some beers DH got from my brother to try and play it off. Who knew I could be such a great fake drinker?

NYE is just me and the hubs, so no worries there. And on Friday we have our U/S and should be able to see the little bugger and a heartbeat, so it's only a matter of time before we get to finally spill!

In other news, I'm in the middle of M/S hell and not enjoying it all that much. :) It's def a morning thing for me...I'm horrible all morning and then 11 am hits and I'm starving beyond belief. Dinner I'm usually just not hungry, but not as sick as the mornings. It's a pain, but in the grand scheme it's honestly not that bad. And, of course, totally worth it.

Third beta in

And I forgot to wrote the number down (I had to run into the hall at work and did so without a pen, sue me), but I know it was good. 11 thousand and something. Right on target, and again, I am much releaved.

The initial plan was to have a fourth beta done, but the nurse didn't mention sending me a script for it when she called, and I didn't remind her. Seriously, the numbers are great to hear, but I realize that another isn't going to to do anthing but make me anxious again. If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. No amount of tests are going to prevent anything. I need to start going on day by day, week by week, simply confident that all will be fine. Plus, the women at the lab were starting to recognize me.

The second U/S is still on, though, but not until next week now, 1/2. I'm totally fine with this, and we'll be able to see so much more by then. There will be a baby blob, and hopefully even a visable heartbeat. Oh, there I go getting all anxious again.

We also have an appointment on 12/29 at the doctor's office to do the medical history and such. It was supposed to be my first baby-related anything, so it's lost its luster a bit, but I'm sure I'll still get a kick out of it.

In the mean time, we are celebrating Christmas with family and just having a good time. Cheers to you all -- I wish you a fabulous holiday and a wonderful New Year full of all the health and happiness you can handle.

U/S Numero Uno

We saw....something.

It was just a little sack with a little sack within it. Not much to look at, but visual proof that yes, I am pregnant. I was so scared the tech was going to tell me there wasn't anything there, but tiny as that little blob was, it was our baby!

My doc, who has not seen me since my BFP, had told the tech that I was 6 weeks, 6 days since that's what they calculated from my LMP. Silly people. I had told everyone I spoke to I was sure I was at least a week behind that, but no one seem to listen to the girl without the medical degree. So, when the tech started the pelvic U/S, she was a little alarmed to see so little. The transvag delivered what we were looking for, but it's def a 5 weeker and not a 6. In fact, the machine measured the size at 5 weeks, 3 days - just one day off from my own calculations. Take that, people in scrubs.

In the end, though, since there wasn't enough of a fetal pole for the tech to confirm what the doc was requesting, they want me to do it all over in a week. EVERYTHING. The two blood tests and another U/S. Overkill? I think so. I have been spending more time in hospitals and doc offices than at work! But there's nothing wrong with having too much information, I guess, or contnually getting confirmation that Lil G is in there and growing. So more blood today, more blood on Monday, and another U/S next Friday. Oh, and there's Christmas in there somewhere, too. Whew.

Betas in!

And good news -- looks like Lil G is growing!

My first test was done on Friday, at 17 dpo, and came back at a very good 827. My second, taken Tuesday (21 dpo) should have been at least 3000 or so to be on target, and we got a 5359! Looks like Lil G is already an overachiever like its momma. :)

I know there many more milestones to reach, but I feel much more calm hearing those numbers. It even feels realer. When the nurse called, I got my first real "jolt" of excitement. I have been so level headed about it so far, probably to protect myself. Each of these little victories is allowing me to get more invested and more optimistic. And more excited!

Although they hadn't mentioned it earlier, the nurse also suggested I get an ultrasound to make sure the little one's looking good and get a clearer dating. I cannot protest! I call tomorrow to see when they can get me in. I've warned the hubs that we will be seeing little more than a blinking blob, but we are both anxiously looking forward to it!

4 weeks, 4 days

It may be science and my body, and may just be my crazy mind, but in the one week I have known I have been pregnant, I have become a pregnant woman. I cannot stay awake past 9 pm. I have horrible headaches and weird tummy twinges. I have gas my little brother would be jealous of. It's kinda amazing.

I also had spotting. Light, brown, and it's stopped, but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. Being me, I decided to hope for the best and let it go. Then I mentioned it to DH, who was in Orlando this week for work, and got a ridiculous tongue lashing (I've always gotten a kick out of that phrase) for being proud and not relaying on doctors when that's what they are there for. In the end I had to admit he was right, and I know that allowing myself to be vulnerable and leaning on medical help is going to be one of my biggest challenges with this pregnancy.

So, I did call, and I had blood work taken Friday to check my HcG levels. We should hear just how well Lil G is progressing on Monday or Tuesday.

This week also brought a lovely surprise from Sarah, known on GP as sauma790 -- a little Happy BFP gift of onsies and baby socks. Now all sorts of baby clothes make me weak in the knees, but baby socks...be still my heart. Sarah, thank you so, so much! I cannot wait until your BFP so I can return the favor!

My favorite photo ever

Isn't it just perfect!?

At seeing this little beauty, DH quickly crossed over from cautiously excited to full blown I'm-Gonna-Be-A-Daddy syndrome, complete with giving a toast to our child "who will one day rid the world of cancer" and not allowing me to do much more than sit and stand, and then only in certain positions. It's adorable....but he's gotta calm down a bit if he's going to last the next 8 months!

Obviously, we are beyond thrilled. I am calling to make my first doctor's appointment today. Eek!

A special thanks to all of you who have emailed and posted your congrats and well wishes. I owe you all my sanity over the last months and can never thank you enough.

13 DPO, BFP

I think!

Lesson learned: buy digitals!

As you can see, it only took 24 hours for me to go against the hub's wishes and test again. I just...I don't want to say I "knew," but I felt off, that's for sure. And as you all know, peeing on things is pure fun.

So this morning when I awoke at 4:30 am, I tip toed to the hall bath and did what I had to do. And saw a line. A line I was sure I saw.

I tried to sneak back into bed, but of course he was sitting up waiting for me. So I told him I cheated and that I was pretty sure we were pregnant. The look on his face and the tone of his voice when he said "Really!?" was priceless.

He took a look and agreed there was a line. However, we are both skeptics and don't feel totally comfortable giving in to it until we go get those silly digitals and see the unmistabable word "Pregnant."

I'm beyond anxious. I am already so worried and so thrilled. But thankfully, I'm also a little in shock or something -- it obviously hasn't really sunk in yet. I doubt it will for awhile.

12 DPO, BFN

I think.

It's funny, because last night as we stood in the Walgreen's, DH wanted to get a pack of digitals, mainly because they were so "cool." I disagreed, saying it would be a waste of cash, and that the pink line versions were fine.

So this morning when my temp was still quite high and I went to POAS, I was pretty confident. And then I stood in the bathroom for about three solid minutes, holding the stick up to the window, the overhead light, and back again. There was something there. Was it like the lightest line ever, or the placeholder where the line would have filled in if positive? Was my eyesight just too good? Ha.

I went back to bed and of course was questioned by a sleepy DH. I quickly explained that I couldn't tell, and he responded that then I was clearly not pg, because the pink line would have been obvious. Shows you how many sticks he's peed on. When I tried to explain how the line darkness is relative to the amount of hormone, he asked to see the stick. I obliged, but I'm not sure why. What was a half-asleep, grumpy man going to see after just turning the lights on in the bedroom? He glanced at it, covered his eyes with his hand, and declared it negative.

So we are calling it negative. Not because of the hub's oh so scientific analysis, but the fact that we cannot call it a positive. DH has since said he doesn't want me to take the other test in the pack for another month. Silly, strange boy.

The positive in this - even if it really is negative, and AF is around the bend, it looks like my LP has lengthened by at least a day thanks to the few months of B6. So yea!

Face lift!

Slow day at work + procrastination of actually important things = new blog layout! Enjoy!

Oh, and I'm 9 DPO. And I'm not anticipating AF this weekend. Nor a BFP. I'm ambivalent. OK, I lied. I'm trying not to think about it. Trying.

Sigh.

It's my birthday

and I'll be in a good mood if I want to.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the wise words I have been reading from some amazing women. Maybe I hit 27 and was instantly hit with wisdom. But somehow, and I'm not going to question the source, I'm a lot more at peace with the whole TTC process. I'm not more optimistic, I'm not more confident, but I'm more accepting of the uphill battle that I'm currently fighting.

I've gone back to GP, realizing that closing myself off hasn't done anything but make me brood alone. I'm looking forward to 2009, and trying to not think of it in terms of if or if not I'll be pregnant. Until that day comes, I still need to live my life.

I wish I had some eloquent song lyrics, or poem stanza, or prayer that expressed the randomness in my head, but alas, you'll just have to trust me. :)

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

I first would like to give thanks for three days off after Thanksgiving. I began cooking on Thursday at 9 am and the last guests left at 9 pm. It was a blast, but I needed all the time to slowly recover (and do some heavy duty cleaning).

Dinner went off without a hitch, and everything turned out pretty darn good. Whew.

Above all, though, it was great to get to welcome our families into our home. It was the first time both my fam and DH's fam had seen each other since the wedding 1.5 years ago, and everyone got along so well. I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, loving parents, hilarious brothers, great in-laws, and a nice home to welcome them all into.

My parents, the pup, my bro, me, Nana, the hubs, and the other bro.

The "damn good" turkey.

The aftermath ... well, part of it.

In other news, if you direct your attention to my ticker, you'll see that according to FF, I've O'ed! Yet another thing to be thankful for. My chart is a disaster area between the one BBT breaking and the new one seeming to show temps slightly lower, but it's looking like I can trust the crosshairs. Whew.

I don't know what kind of hopes I have for this cycle, though. I partially simply don't want to get my hopes up, but the cysts have me a little worried. I know it's totally possible to still conceive with them, but I have read they can prohibit a "normal" ovulation. Then again, when have I ever been normal when it comes to TTC?

Eh, I'm just chilling and going with it this time. Even if my negativity is unfounded, at least it will allow me a 2ww without the "normal" paranoia and phantom symptoms. Well worth it.

Boooo

So I got a new BBT. While we were able to confirm that my old one was acting quirky, I unfortunetly didn't get all the good news I was hoping for. Temp this morning was a chilly 97.1. No O.

It's day 29. I've only O'ed later than this once. On day frickin 40.

I'm fearing anov. I'm pissed off. I'm a little scared of how pissed off I am. These be dark times.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

CHRISTMAS!

Our neighbors already have their lights up. Little early, I think, but I can't deny that I'm getting the itch as well. I went through all our boxes in the basement this weekend to figure out the holiday decor gameplan, and we purchased a few new items, too. Next weekend we will be decking the house in gold, red, and silver, and then refueling with leftover turkey sandwiches. I cannot wait!

We do, of course, need to get through Thanksgiving first. It's at our place this year and I'm a combo of nervous and thrilled. I have a detailed play-by-play schedule for cooking and I think I have just enough space in the oven for everything.

To add to the holiday fever, my birthday is next week! DH and I will be going to dinner at this raved about Italian place I have been dying to go to, and Mom is taking me for a spa day. This really is the most wonderful time of the year.

You know what would make it even more wonderfuler? (And yes, that's a word.) A BFP. Or a confirmed O. Or something. I'm still temping with the broken BBT because all three stores I went to this weekend didn't have any in stock. Apparently the world is on a mission to get KU before me. I think I'll try the Walgreen's by the train station after work today. Wait - Lindsay said theirs sucks. Anyone know if CVS's is ok?

I just need to get one accurate morning temp. I have a inkling that I may have O'ed, but without a good temp, I am really clueless. My possible O would lead me to test this Saturday. I don't dare do it without more info. However, even with a new thermometer I won't know what my temps for the past week should have been. I'm going to have to guess. Which leads me to a much greater chance of a BFN. Ugh.

I've been tagged!

Thanks for giving me something to do, Lindsay!

Describe each in one word:

Where is your cell phone? Purse
Where is your significant other? Work
Hair color? Dark blonde
Your mother? Caring
Your father? Strong
Your favorite thing? Food
Your dream last night? Unmemorable
Your dream/goal? Freedom
The room you’re in? Cube
Your hobby? Writing
Your fear? Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Bucolic
Where were you last night? Home
What you’re not? Lazy
One of your wish-list items? Clothes
Where you grew up? Suburbia
The last thing you did? Edited
What are you wearing? Jeans
Your TV? Comforting
Your pet? Snuggles
Your computer? Slow
Your mood? Content
Missing someone? Always
Favorite store? Banana
Our summer? Short
Love someone? Yup
Your favorite color? Blue
When is the last time you laughed? Now
Last time you cried? Recently

I'll pass the fun to the three latest co-bloggers. Shannon, Alma, and Bee - go!

F'in BBT is a POS

I think it's broken.

The last few days my temps have been doing an impression of a Ricther scale, and now I think it's all that little beeping stick of plastic's fault, not my body's.

The other day I woke up after two days of high temps to 97.3. I was frustrated and disappointed, and didn't want to believe it. So I stuck it right back in my mouth. 97.8. That's a mighty large jump for 10 seconds. But I dutifully charted 97.3. This morning, another 97.3. I tried again, 97.3. 15 minutes later I tried yet again, 97.9. Of course this time I had slept a little more and time had gone by, so it could have totally been the reason. To test my theory, I temped one more time after letting the dog out and eating breakfast. 96.0. Ummmm, wha? I don't think I can trust a thing that screen says any longer.

So I'm going to commit a cardinal charting sin and change thermometers mid cycle. It may screw up my chart, but it appears so will sticking with this one. I mean, I may have O'ed already. I could be like 5 DPO. Who the hell knows.

GBCGP?

No, not really. But I am kinda bowing out for awhile. I've decided my sanity is worth something.

GP was a God-send when I first ventured into TTC World and I would be a bumbling idiot without the advice and information the board provided. I am forever in the debt of so many smart, patient women.

After a few months, though, GP became a crutch. A place to go when work was pissing me off, or when I wanted to go all crazy bitch on some arrogant newbie. It was no longer a help, but a distraction.

And now, it's making me feel like a bad person. I truly like and admire many of the women I have met on there (and since those I'm referring to are probably the only ones reading this, go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back), and I hate the pangs of jealousy that sadly occur when there's another BFP post. I am happy for them through and through. But there's of course that voice in the back of my head asking "Why not me?"

I have seen so many girls waltz in and out, their apparently easy-to-come-by BFPs in hand, and with each one I realize I'm toturing myself a little. When you are single you don't hang out at fancy restaurants and watch couples get engaged. When you are on a budget, you don't go to Neimen Marcus and rub your cheek against the $500 cashimere. Why, then, do I daily go and let myself become disheartened by strangers flaunting their pregnancies?

I will be around. When I have a legit question I know it's a great place to turn (after Google, of course). And I can always reach out to my new friends in good and bad. But GP itself has served it's real purpose for me and while I'm in trying mode, I think I'm better left to myself. This is going to take time. Might as well try to dull the pain where I can.

I puffy heart information

So yesterday marked a week of the mystery pain, and I was over it. My first trip was to WebMD.com, where the Symptom Checker sent me into a panic suggesting I had either a hernia or an aeortic aneurysm. Kids, this is why we shouldn't self-diagnosis.

I quickly smarted up and called my OB/GYN office and chatted with a nurse. She suggested a cyst as an answer -- a much more plausable answer -- and suggested I come in for a quick exam.

So this morning I went over, and was reminded why I chose this practice. I love these people. I have yet to meet a doctor or NP there that I didn't instantly warm up to. They are open, and honsest, and not afraid of a patient who has educated herself. In fact, they want to help me learn even more.

So basically it turns out I do have follicular cysts, which are part of the minor case of PCOS I have and they diagnosed last visit. The pressure and pain was coming from an overload left ovary. She's not worried by them, though. She says that when I ovulate most of them will burst, and I'll have some sharp pain, but then the fluid just gets absorbed or something and it's fine. Kinda weird, but ok.

Instead of just scooting me out, though, she then went over my charts with me, all the bloodwork we have done in the past, the ultraslound results (I now know the exact dimensions of my uterus. Do you?), etc. And she was totally honest with me...optimistic and honest. My situation is not perfect, but it's not that bad. Sure I knew this in the back of my head, but sometimes you need a calm, rational, voice of experience to remind you.

So onward we forge.

WTF?

Seriously. WTF? Just click on the chart. Do it. And tell me WTF is going on!

Temp dips I can take, but this? Um, whaaaa?

And today also marks day 7 of what I had been calling O pain. I have since recalled that title. We shall now refer to it as "that stubborn, stupid pain in my lower left pelvic area that is like someone poking you for hours on end and is annoying enough to give you trouble falling asleep but not sharp enough to allow your worry wart DH to take you to the ER." Or WTF pain for short.

I'm calling the doc tomorrow. This is bullshit.

Another day...

another flat temp. Seriously?

I was so sure I was going to O yesterday or the day prior. Steady headaches, steady O pains...why is that translating into only steady temps?

I know it could be today. Or tomorrow. Or a day in the early 20s like many other cycles. Or a random day in the 40s. Or never. But I really thought I was starting to figure it out. I had been searching for some sort of signal that I could take advantage of, and now it seems that I may have been off base.

For some reason I feel especially upset about this because I got DH involved. Before, I was in charge of the chart and the timing and because I didn't want to put undue pressure on him or make it seem like I only wanted him for his baby-making ability, I wouldn't really say anything once I knew I had O'ed. And I never warned him pre-O because I never knew when it was coming! But this cycle we both thought we were clued in and made a solid attempt. Not only was it off, it seems, but I hated how it changed sex. Even though we were joking about it, it was obvious that on those occasions that we were doing it for a baby and not for love. Something was lost. I really don't want to have to put him in that place again this cycle, let alone the others potentially down the line.

You never know...I could be O'ing right now and my temp tomorrow could be through the roof. But I've officially crossed the line from optimism to pessimism. Stupid, fugly line.

Holy O pain, Batman

Seriously? I'm off BCP for a year and now, out of the blue, I suddenly have O pain?

And not just a little twinge. This is steady, sturdy, sit up and pay attention pain. Totally worth it but ouchie.

Well, you know what I'll be doing tonight. ;)

CD 13, OPK Negative

This is not a fact that should surprise me. I don't have any business peeing on sticks this early, anyway. But the Vitex thing got my hopes up that I might have a "normal" O date this cycle, and I let my giddiness get away with me.

The line was faint. Like pitifully faint. Almost as pathetic as the girl anxiously holding the stick.

I'd like to publicly state that I will not take another OPK test until the early 20s, when experience shows I have a better shot. I'd like to do that. But I won't. Because I know Monday or Tuesday I'll have lost this new-found resolve and will be sneaking tests into the bathroom at work. Please pray for my weak, baby-needy soul. ;)

Bustin' out of the closet

I've been duped! My friends knew that half priced martinis would make me spill! How could they?

OK, maybe not. Maybe I just was sick of not talking. Maybe six months of thinking and wishing and hoping and praying can be hard to keep shut inside. Maybe two sips of a gimlet shouldn't be considered minipulation.

So what happened? Yesterday evening two of my girlfriends met me for some post-work drinks. As we typically do, we started our outing by going around the table and updating the gang on our life's dramas of work, men, etc. I began. And without any prompting, I was suddenly spilling. Everything. From TTC to bloodword to the finer details of a PCOS diagnosis. Poor gals didn't know what hit 'em.

I obviously hadn't been planning on telling anyone. A few friends knew we were thinking of starting a family sooner than later, but nothing more. I had leaked minute details about the testing and problems we were running into to two people, only because both of them had been there and were able to offer insight. This waterfall of information was so not on the schedule.

I'm ridiculously releaved, though. They couldn't have been more supportive. But I certianly don't plan on making this a staple happy hour conversation. Heck, I hope I won't have many more happy hours in my future. But oh, how I will miss those gimlets...

Baby bumps and babble

So one of my dear coworkers, who I consider a friend and love to death, is about 8 months pregnant with #3. The little one was a surprise; her others are about 10 and 9. After she got over the shock she was thrilled, and in turn, everyone at work was as well.

It was about the time she announced her pregnancy that DH and I decided when we would begin trying. CW and I had discussed this (she had been hoping we would start for months) and even though it caught me off guard, I wasn't upset at all by her announcement. How could I be? I love her, I love babies -- it was a win/win.

Months have since gone by, and she's as supportive as ever with my road to joining her. We had joked in the beginning that our boss would be thrilled to have two KUed employees, but with her due date just around the bend, that scenario is a no-go. Each time she stops by to chat, be it about work or TTC, it gets a little harder to look at her growing belly. I wish I was there, too. I wish she wasn't asking me about blood work and OPKs but about morning sickness and sonograms.

I'm not jealous. Even though it may sound like it, I'm not. I'm so happy for her and so excited to meet the little one, but yea, it's hard. Babies and bellies and all of it is hard.

Another friend had their baby boy last week. Yet another friend is also due in about a month. Ahhhh, mixed emotions. Lovely.

The Vitex Factor

After a few months of random cycles followed by relentless frustration, I did what any educated, modern girl would do and headed to the Internet in search of answers. It was among the millions of hits Google so graciously provided me with that I first learned about Vitex, an herb commonly used by women for PMS, cycle irregularity, and other female-type issues. The gals of GP backed up the claims that it could push up my O date (or help it ever occur), and while the prospect of ordering strange pills online did scare the crap out of me for a few days, I did it.

I have now been taking Vitex for about a month and a half and wasn't sure if I was getting any benefit. Last cycle I O'ed around CD23, which while the earliest ever recorded, wasn't enough for me to start breaking out the cone hats and confetti. However, I was playing with the charts the other day and was reminded of the short temp spike I had around CD16. After two highs it plummeted, and I assumed it was my body's typical "gear up and don't go" pattern, which it tends to show.

Upon further thinking, I have a slight hope that it wasn't just the pattern, but that I was going to O. Stress is the most common cause of delayed O, and that weekend was chock full of it. On top of being out of town, at my cousin's wedding, and in mucho traffic, my father collapsed during the ceremony. He's fine, but that day I was in uber panic mode. The most textbook cycle would have been thrown to the lions.

The point of this rambeling? Vitex might really be doing a fabulous job. Next Monday or so would be CD16 for this cycle, and I'm anxiously waiting to see how it goes. Cross your fingers for me!

Go Phils!

It's been an exciting week, aside from the crash and burn of Cycle 3, of course. Breaking a curse that the city has been suffering from for decades, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series in five games, the last split between a rain-out on Monday and a second half on Wednesday. I'm no sports phanatic, but it was thrilling to watch these boys fight for it and win. The city went nuts, and hasn't calmed down quite yet. This afternoon was the celebratory parade, complete with ticker tape (so fun!). I'll post pics later.

In slightly less exciting news, I have invested in a fabulous new phone which has quickly become one of my favorite toys. The G1 is the new andriod phone from Google and it's a ball. So slinky and sexy, too. The hub's Blackberry looks pathetic next to it. Ooooh, ahhhhh, and enjoy:

It also happens to be Halloween, a fact that most people in Philly have forgotten with all the madness. We are hoping to see lots of adorable kiddos tonight during Trick or Treating. Well, not too many. It be nice to have some left overs. :)

So I started a blog

When I first found myself stalking this little board you may have heard of called GP back in June, I noticed that a number of the ladies had blogs. They were adorable, and sweet, and some were more than a little sad. While I loved clicking on the links in their sigs, I never for a moment thought of creating my own.

It wasn't because I'm not a writer. I am, in fact, a writer by trade. And it wasn't because I didn't want to share things too publiclly, because as you get to know me, you learn there's nothing I love more than a little well-earned attention. It was simply because I didn't think I needed to. I'd start mine when I got the BFP.

I walked into TTC land quite naive. Even with my trusty BBT and a well-worn TYOYF under my arm, I still believed it would be fairly easy. My husband and I would even joke that, knowing our luck, we'd be knocked up with twins within a week.

Nearly six months later, I am embarassed at how little I knew I was in for. Thanks to fluxuating hormone levels, delayed ovulation, and anovulatory cycles, we've only had two chances, and because I'm so unpredictable, we couldn't even give them the five-day marathons they deserved.

This morning began Cycle 4, and while I knew we had a slim chance last round, the reality of it has struck me harder than I could have anticipated. I'm depressed, frustrated, and in all honestly, just devestated. And I'm worried that Cycle 4 could be full of the pitfalls that have tripped us up in the past. I'm lost, and I'm not in control, and I hate it.

So maybe I do need a blog. And maybe I have a harder road ahead than I once thought. No matter how upsetting it has been, though, I know the road still leads to the same destination. And to eventually hold that sweet baby in my arms is worth whatever comes along the way.